Since Zug.com died a rather abrupt
death, I figured I should mirror my work here. Also, this way I
can pretend they're new updates. Excuse the terrible formatting, I
felt like putting in effort to fix it would be an insult to the original
work. Also, I didn't want to put in effort.
After taking a sabbatical lasting a couple
millennia, miracles are making a big comeback. Miracles seemed poised to
re-take the world by storm in 1980, after the Soviet Olympic hockey team
was defeated by the United States. Unfortunately, it appeared that
miracles just weren't able to keep the momentum going.
However, we appear to be on the cusp of a true miracle renaissance.
Possibly the most important evidence for this claim is that miracles
were recently the subject of an in-depth dissection by noted
philosophers the Insane Clown Posse. In this mind-blowing treatise, the
very concept of what truly makes a "miracle" was rocked to its very
No longer are we able to offer simple scientific reasons to explain the
phenomena of the existence of giraffes, why a son resembles his father,
or the mystical properties of magnetic attraction. As it turns out,
these, along with a multitude of other examples in our everyday lives,
are actually miracles.
If the miracles already mentioned aren't enough to, as they say, "shock
ya eyelids," then perhaps you are one of the many who prefer their
miracles to be a bit more mind-blowing.
Enter the Miracle Berry.
These little wonders are also often referred to as Miracle Fruit.
But I don't, so therefore we will ignore that name from here on out.
Yeah, I'm not too impressed either.
Unless you've been living under a rock, or don't pay attention to
potentially interesting yet not that interesting oddities, you have
already heard of the Miracle Berry. It has the power to potentially
alter the tastes of certain foods, making sour and bitter
foods taste sweet. I already have three italicized words
in this paragraph and don't want another simply for the aesthetics, but
pretend "potentially" in that last sentence was also in italics.
These wondrous little berries are from the plant of some, uh, plant and
have interesting properties as a result of their, uh ... hold on.
Wikipedia is stumped. Apparently the best scientific guess is that
they are, in fact, a miracle.
One popular thing to do with Miracle Berries is to have "Flavor Tripping
Parties." These parties, which I'm genuinely surprised isn't mentioned
on Stuff White People Like,
involve getting together and eating lemons.
Now, I know nothing about these parties from experience, but that does
not sound like the makings of a wild time. Instead, I prefer my way:
sitting by myself eating a large quantity of questionable foods while my
brother takes pictures. That seems a lot more ... hmm, "normal" doesn't
seem to fit there. I'll probably come back and edit that last sentence
with a more appropriate term.
There is way too much sexual innuendo going on
for a package of compressed fruit powder.
I wound up splitting my "party" into two nights. With some of the
bizarre, spicy, and conflicting foods I was about to eat, I thought it
best to give my digestive system a short break. Unfortunately, I wound
up eating all the bizarre, spicy, and conflicting foods on the first
But let us not waste any more time, I know what you're here for: the
miracles! So now, on to the main event.
It's a good thing Miracle Berries have interesting
properties, because the taste would not be a good selling point. They
have a vaguely fruity taste, but lean much more to the "natural" side of
a "natural fruit snack" flavor.
Yo man, I got what you NEED!
You're supposed to let the berry tablet sit on your tongue, dissolving
and coating your taste buds. It's like the world's lamest tab of acid.
Serve this to guests to ensure they will never
Once the berry was absorbed, it was time to dig in. I had bought a ton
of food, in an attempt to experience as many miracles as possible.
Salt and Vinegar Chips:
What appears to be a blank, dumb stare is
actually preparation for a mind-blowing experience.
I went with Popchips, because they have a much stronger vinegar flavor
than other chips. The fact that the berry even put a dent in the vinegar
was impressive; instead of an intense vinegar taste, it was instead a
mildly sweet flavor. Which immediately raises the question: is that a
good thing? In this case, let's just say it's an interesting thing.
After the cow-like stare of the previous
picture, I am going out of my way to look like I have a thought in my
My acidophilus levels were feeling a bit low, so I moved onto yogurt.
This transformation was great, the weird tang of yogurt replaced by an
incredibly smooth sweetness. I thought it tasted like vanilla yogurt,
but that could just be my lazy way of saying it was sweet and didn't
taste like fruit.
"In here, we pour lemon juice."
I'll drink straight lemon juice from time to time, to teach my canker
sores a lesson in responsibility. However, this was flat out amazing,
literally the best lemonade I've ever had in my life.
The perfect post-workout beverage.
To find out if the Miracle Berry works on salty like it does on sour,
beef broth seemed like the ideal candidate. In short: no, it does not.
I like drinking the broth from Cup O' Noodles as much as the next guy
(as long as the next guy really likes it), but seeing as this can came
out of the refrigerator, it made for a very un-refreshing beverage.
The taste wasn't changed at all, but on the bright side it did help me
get 15% of a serving of fruits and vegetables.
After the disgusting beef broth failure, I don't know why I bothered.
But the can was on the table, and since I went to that incredible amount
of effort, I figured I had to. There was no change, and frankly I was
glad. I have no desire to drink sweetened chicken broth.
I love sauerkraut; it's a great food to eat by itself, especially in
social situations. There's just something off-putting about it. The
brine was changed significantly, which turned it into a creepy sweetened
I would have preferred fresh garlic -- as horrifying as it might
be to eat the stuff raw, it'd be better than this jarred slop. The berry
did seem to take some of the edge off, but it was still no match for the
Tonight, by breath will fell a horse
I went with the George Costanza method, eating it like an apple. Like
the garlic, it took off a bit of the harsh edge, but still ... it's a
raw onion. What can you do?
I hate sour cream. The friendly folks at every Taco Bell ever
know this, which is why they find it so hilarious when I ask for no sour
cream. They know my timid request will not stop them from piling it on
my food by the ladleful. However, the Miracle Berry did improve the
taste significantly; the sour cream was closer to a tangy, sweet yogurt.
Nothing happened. Except the inherent joy of eating string cheese.
Like sour cream, I hate Muenster cheese. I was hoping the Miracle Berry
would change my perception, and turn it into a cheese I could enjoy. It
didn't, and I still hate Muenster cheese.
As exciting as the string cheese. It still tasted good, at least.
This was the one cheese where I could taste a big difference. Even
though I actually like Swiss cheese, a good description of its smell and
taste is "feet-esque." The berry completely removed the feety quality,
giving the cheese an extremely smooth taste.
Even though I like it, every time I see the phrase "goat cheese," I get
mildly nauseated. I don't even know if "goat milk cheese" is much
better, as surely my issue is with the word "goat." That said, this was
amazing. The cheese tasted like cream cheese frosting. I would have
devoured the entire package if I didn't have more food to move on to.
I'd like an extra dirty virgin martini,
If you've ever thought "I'd like a dirty martini, but I could also go
for an after-dinner dessert cocktail," the solution is here. The olives
had a balance of sweet and bitter, but it was an awful balance
where neither flavor tasted good. The olive juice was no better, tasting
like simple syrup stirred into seawater.
The only time in my life that I've ever liked sweet pickles was when I
was five and got the card set that came in the green plastic bus. The
actual food is disgusting. Unfortunately, the berry did its job, turning
delicious dill pickles into their mutated cousin.
I committed a major faux pas, by failing to
let the tannins breathe.
Words won't come close to doing this justice. The berry turned balsamic
into a beverage that you could sip more smoothly than red wine. I might
just start taking Miracle Berries so I can drink this from the bottle in
public. It would do a great job of finally cementing my status as "weird
guy in the corner that no one wants to talk to."
Facial expression: "Bracing for impact"
This was one of the few things that was made worse by the Miracle
Berry. It tasted like something you'd see on an Anthony Bourdain show,
like when he's eating some animal corpse that's been fermenting in a
barrel for a decade. Simply awful.
Horseradish Deli Mustard
I wouldn't want to use the post-berry mustard on a sandwich, since it
was steered into insanely sweet territory. It would be like putting
marmalade on a ham and Swiss. Although at least it wouldn't have those
creepy orange rind pieces.
This might have been the most sinister of all the foods I tried. The
initial taste was overwhelming sweetness, so I thought it was fine to
squeeze an entire packet into my mouth. Then my sinuses were assaulted
with the hydrogen bomb-like effects of wasabi. On the plus side, I won't
get a stuffy nose for the next decade.
Named after The Banana Splits, which was the favorite show of the
food anthropologist who discovered the peppers, banana peppers are the
friendly cousin of the jalapeno. These were actually really good, since
the hotness still cut though the mildly sweet pepper flavor.
The opening scene of "Bathroom: The Revenge"
I always think Tabasco is less spicy than it really is, since I usually
have four eggs diluting the spiciness. You might not be aware of this,
but when you pour a shot of hot sauce directly into your mouth, it is
actually spicier than when you have a little bit on your breakfast.
I'm one oversized frilly fan away from
exclaiming, "I do declare!"
This fact was fully reinforced when the wave of bizarrely sweet fire
rushed over my tongue, and eventually my digestive system. Which was
really angry with me after tonight.
My tongue is about to become a human Paas
The only use I have ever known for white vinegar is making Easter egg
dye. I still have no idea what it's used for, since the label only
suggests using it as a metal cleaner. Yum!
As you can see, it was delicious!
The berry had NO effect, and this was without a doubt the worst thing in
this entire experiment. I had to call it a night.
No scurvy for me!
On the morning after the Vinegar Incident, I did that thing where you
yawn and it splits a little where your upper and lower lips meet. Why am
I telling you this disgusting fact? So you can understand why it was
just a tad uncomfortable to fit an entire wedge of acidic fruit
in my mouth. It was worth it though, because like the lemon juice, this
was simply amazing. It was like a melted Great White ice pop.
The only time I've ever really liked fresh limes is in gin. So while the
Miracle Berry's effect on the lime was significant, it just tasted like
a very sweet lime, not a flavor I was in love with. I loved it, I just
wasn't in love with it.
One of my favorite fruits. Mostly because I'm too lazy to cut them up,
so the infrequency of my eating them increases their desirability.
They're also great for you, since they are very high in lycopene. And
who doesn't love the taste of lycopene? The Miracle Berry did its job
well on grapefruits, turning a sour but pleasant-tasting fruit into a
sweet and awesome-tasting fruit.
You know how when you slice up oranges for a snack, you always like to
sprinkle the slices with brown sugar and dip them in maple syrup? Oh,
you don't do that ... because it's disgusting, you say? I agree, which
is why the ridiculously sweet orange wound up being kind of gross.
Remember way back when I was talking about how the oranges tasted, and
implied that the Miracle Berry made an already sweet fruit even more
sweet, resulting in an undesirable taste? Pineapples, being a vastly
superior fruit to oranges, avoided this fate. Granted, they too were
super-sweet, but somehow it worked better for the pineapple.
Granny Smith Apples
I actually know people who eat these as a snack, and to me that's just
as weird as eating a raw turnip. To be fair, I've never found sour
things enjoyable; as a kid, for instance, I never liked sour Warheads.
(Hot Warheads, on the other hand, were awesome.) The Granny Smith
benefited greatly from the Miracle Berry ... while it wasn't apple pie
sweet, it was like a slightly sweeter Golden Delicious.
No change whatsoever. Move along.
Until I first tried them a few months back, the only thing I knew about
kumquats was their vaguely obscene name, and that there was a kumquat
tree in Day of the Tentacle. They're a little citrus fruit that
you eat whole (except the seed), and taste sort of like an orange-lemon
hybrid. The Miracle Berry worked very well on them, taking off the
bitter edge. It didn't improve the name.
I used one of the darkest chocolates I could find without it being
unsweetened. Usually, anything over 70% dark is like biting into a piece
of tree bark, though with less fiber. The berry didn't offer any
sweetness to the chocolate, but it did remove most of the bitterness.
Unsweetened Dark Cocoa Powder
If I was single, this would be my match.com
Despite my brilliant hypothesis, this did not taste like a spoonful of
Quik. It just tasted like dirt. Well, to be fair, unsweetened chocolate
Unsweetened Dark Chocolate Milk
I learned two things here. One, the addition of milk did not help
matters. Two, cocoa powder, unlike chocolate milk mix, does not dissolve
in milk. It turned into a "Homestyle" version of chocolate milk.
Surprisingly, this didn't taste as good as it
This is a green powder filled with all sorts of nutrients, that you can
mix with other beverages to make a healthy yet disgusting beverage. I
thought the Miracle Berry might remove the bitterness and overall
noxious taste. Nope. It looked like a lemonade made by throwing a lemon
in some sludge water. A lemon, actually, would have helped.
One interesting thing about the Miracle Berry is not just its power to
flip sourness backwards, but also to amplify sweetness. Also
interesting was that the honey's sweetness level reached a bracket of
sweetness that might actually require a new word to be created, since
"sweet" just doesn't quite cut it anymore. Maybe "swirt" or "swooty."
Cocoa Porter Beer
I should have done this from the start.
I figured a porter would work best, since they're bitter. This could
also be completely inaccurate, since most beers are unappealing to me.
However, after the Miracle Berry, this was diabolically good. The cocoa
highlights of the beer turned this into a chocolate soda. So for all you
parents who gripe that your children don't appreciate good beer, here's
a good way to get them started.
|After trying the Miracle Berry, my feelings on the fruit boil down to a single
fact: it is definitely an experience worth trying. No, it won't
alter your mind and open your brainbox to new flavors. Grapes
won't taste like snozzberies, and carrots won't taste like
|It is tough to describe in words how weird it can be when a
food's taste you've known your entire life is suddenly,
drastically altered. There is a huge connection between
expectations and the actual taste. If any of the steps in the
expectation-to-taste process are changed, it's a bizarre
Brightly colored foods always
|I get upset when people expect me to think white mint
chocolate chip ice cream will taste as good as green. Fun fact:
it doesn't. So when I drink a shot of straight lemon
juice that tastes sweeter and better than most beverages in the
supermarket, it's definitely a weird and worthwhile experience.
Maybe Insane Clown Posse was right: it is a miracle.
|If you have already forgotten everything I've said, probably
the most important thing to remember if you do try Miracle
Berries: try the white vinegar. It's fantastic.